Everything You Need To Know About The 21 March 2016 Apple Event

Tim Cook has taken to the stage yet again to give us all an update on what Apple has been working on the last few months.

To save you time from having to watch a lengthy keynote presentation, or scroll through countless articles talking about pixels and processors and other parts you don’t quite understand, here’s a short succinct summary of what went down…

Security

For obvious reasons our devices need to be secure, but what happens if they’re too secure? What if our phones contain vital information needed in a criminal case, but they refuse to testify? Thankfully, Apple have come up with a three step security system. Siri is now programmed to offer any information available on the device, but only on the third time the information is asked for.

Cook (impersonating a policeman): Siri, where was Tim last week Tuesday?
Siri: You are not authorized for that information.
Cook: Siri, where was Tim last week Tuesday?
Siri: You are not authorized for that information.
Cook: Siri, where was Tim last week Tuesday?
Siri: Crying in the kitchen.

Apple TV

There have been many rumours about what the new tvOS update will bring, but hardly anyone expected it to come with the ability to turn your TV into an e-reader. Especially designed for people with poorer eyesight, your TV will now have the ability to display your favourite book on it’s large screen. A new portable power accessory has been created to allow you to power your TV on the go, for occasions where you’re keen to read on a plane or train, or any other location where it’s difficult to run a power cord to.

iPhone SE

For a while there has been a story circulating about Apple creating a smaller version of their latest iPhone, but it turns out everyone has been completely off on their assumptions of just how small the phone will actually be. The iPhone SE is a truly remarkable 1 centimeter wide, and 2.5 centimeters tall, making it the smallest phone available on the market. As Tim puts it, “Everyone loves that feeling of relief when they think they’ve lost their phone, but it turns out it was in their pocket all along. Here at Apple, we feel that this phone will give people that sensation… all the time.”

Unfortunately, early tech reviewers have noted that due to the considerably smaller size of the phone, it is actually impossible to use.

iOS 9.3

A whole host of new features were explained by Greg Joswiak, but the highlights were:

  • Underwater photos – a revolutionary software update offers crystal clear photos underwater. However, this will break your phone’s hardware.
  • Siri is now available in Elvish, perfect if you ever find yourself at the Council of Elrond.
  • iShuffle – Apple Music’s shuffle feature has been extended to the whole system, allowing users to send emails to random addresses, drive to random locations, or phone a random number. It’s unclear what the practical use of this feature is yet.

iPad Pro

It wasn’t just the iPhone that got the smaller treatment, the usual 12.7 inch iPad Pro has been scaled down to 12.6 inches. As Phil Schiller explained, “We feel that one solitary decimal inch makes all the difference.” The 12.6 inch iPad Pro will cost double the 12.7 inch version.

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