I think it’s about time I wrote about my friend Steve Walter.  He is one of only fourteen people who have intentionally gone over the Niagara Falls in a barrel.  And that little fact, is probably one of the most uninteresting facts about Steve’s life.

Steve was born in 1923.  Despite being 87, he looks as if he is 24.  This is because when he was 24 he found the fountain of youth.  Realising the potential consequences of his actions, he drunk all the water from the fountain in order to save humanity from finding the source of life and gaining immortality, a gift which over time would almost certainly lead to the destruction of the entire human race.

This is the first time Steve has saved the world.  Unfortunately, in a rather ironic twist, consuming all the water from the fountain of youth has left Steve impotent.

Late in the 1940s, Steve got bored one Sunday afternoon, and invented rock n roll.  When asked what inspired him to create a whole genre of music, Steve retains, “I was simply messing around on the piano, then suddenly I thought, hmmm... it’s about time for some rock n roll.  And that was that.”  As a tribute to Steve, hidden on every Beatles album cover, there is a likeness of Steve’s cat, Jango.

Steve and Jango are actually responsible for the first ever blood transfusion between a human and an animal.  In 1964, Steve smuggled Jango into a cinema in a bag to see Mary Poppins – Jango has always been a big fan of Julie Andrews.  During the film, Steve allowed Jango out to get a better view, but a member of the audience who was afraid of cats and had intentionally avoided seeing The Three Lives of Thomasina for that very reason, went crazy at the site of Jango.  (Incidentally, this is where the expression ‘letting the cat out of the bag’ comes from.)

Fortunately no members of the audience were hurt, but Jango lost a lot of blood and was rushed to a vet immediately, where only a few hours later, the first human to animal blood transfusion took place.  Jango is still alive today, and many believe it is because Steve’s blood has kept the cat immortal.  For this reason Steve has subsequently gotten his skin lined with a very thin but impenetrable resin to stop people from trying to steal his blood.

Unknown to most people, at last year’s G20 summit in Seoul, The United States almost declared war on the United Kingdom, but Steve managed to ease the tension between the two nations by playing them a song he wrote about how he likes to sing in a deep voice.  This is the second time Steve has saved the world.  Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi managed to record the song on his cell phone and leaked the MP3 of it on his Twitter account.  The song became a number one single in Italy.

Despite all these accomplishments and many others, for some reason, Wikipedia will still not accept this article.