Now I know that people don’t usually come to the blog of an acoustic comedy band for FIFA 2010 World Cup match analysis, but I feel that despite my general lack of knowledge when it comes to all things sport, the reasons why Bafana Bafana lost against Uruguay are rather obvious, and I feel it is my duty to point them out.

1. The goal keeper

Uruguay’s goal keeper Fernando Muslera had cunningly opted to disguise himself in a full orange Primi Piatti uniform – a South African chain of restaurants known for their brightly coloured waitron jumpsuits, and their delicious meals – no, we’re not sponsored by Primi, but Primi, if you’re reading this, we have no problem becoming to you what The Parlotones are to KFC.  Or apparently now Germany.

Anyways, this clever disguise made it incredibly hard for Bafana Bafana to score any goals, as each time they arrived on Muslera’s side of the field, they would start wondering what pizza they’d like to order.

2. Diego Forlan

Now I know it seems rather obvious to suggest that the reason Bafana Bafana didn’t win was because of Diego Forlan – after all, he scored two of the goals, but it wasn’t his goal scoring that cost Bafana Bafana victory, it was quite clearly that Diego Forlan is in fact the dark lord.

It is no co-incidence that ‘Diego’ is very close to the name ‘Diablo’, and with closer inspection, even to the untrained eye, it is quite evident that Diego Forlan is actually Lord Voldemort.

And yes, if you’re wondering why Khune fouled Suarez, it was because Forlan had cast the ‘confundus’ spell.

My advice to Mexico, the next team to face Uruguay in the world cup... Make sure your goal keeper is dressed as Ronald McDonald, and be sure to practise your ‘expelliarmus’.