Why are there no vampires older than 24?  What do werewolves have against wearing t-shirts?  And who knew that Dakota Fanning was still around?

I just got back from watching Eclipse, the latest in the Twilight film series.  For those who aren’t familiar with the franchise, it’s essentially Dawson’s Creek except Dawson is a vampire, Pacey is a werewolf, and Joey still can’t decide between the two.

I’ve never been interested in the books or films, because I’ve watched one season of Gossip Girl, and I think I probably filled my quota for hormonally charged teenage dramas in the first episode.  Of course, if the filmmakers decide to recast Blake Lively as Bella Swan, I might be willing to become more invested.

I would love to say that I’m not the target audience for this film, but there were enough people my age in the cinema to suggest otherwise.  Eclipse is by no means a terrible movie, but I do struggle to see exactly what the appeal is.  I can maybe understand why women enjoy it, because most women enjoy a little romance, which is why every woman I know thinks The Notebook is so good it should be considered for inclusion in The Bible.  I really don’t see the appeal for men though - there are probably more vampire and werewolf fights in Scooby Doo than there are in Twilight.  Maybe men just watch it so if they’re unfaithful to their partners they can just say, “No no no... but you see... it is possible to love two people at the same time....”

Bella Swan is the main character, and she’s played by Kristen Stewart – an actress who suffers from looking like she’s too young to be old, and too old to be young.  Fortunately her co-star Robert Pattinson (Edward) is there to divert attention away from her growth issues with his head that looks like a perplexed cardboard box – it’s as if God accepted some sort of challenge to create a face entirely out of straight lines.

Taylor Lautner (Jacob) is meant to be the eye candy of the film, but I couldn’t help but feel that he wasn’t real throughout the movie.  It was almost as if he was created using CGI, but the animators had spent all their efforts working on his muscles, that when they eventually got to his face they had run out of time and thought, “Well, no-one’s going to be looking there, let’s just model it on Kermit the Frogs.”

It confuses me that the rules for vampires seem to keep on changing.  I’m used to vampires of all ages, who can’t go out in the sun, and who are killed by getting stabbed in the heart with a crucifix, or by getting their heads cut off with the Pope’s hat.  Well – okay – I’m not entirely sure what the normal rules are, but it seems no-one really cares anymore.  In Twilight there appear to be a distinct lack of adult vampires, they can hang out in the sun as much as they want so long as they don’t mind sparkling a bit, and you kill them by shattering them to pieces and setting them on fire – because apparently vampires are ceramic and highly flammable.  I also find it puzzling that vampires look older in their flashbacks than they do in the present day – maybe you just look younger when you’re pale?  If you’re albino please feel free to write in and let me know.

So at the end of the day whilst Twilight fans make up their minds as to whether they’re Team Edward or Team Jacob, I remain the only one in my cinema who arrived with a T-shirt expressing my feelings on the matter.  And in case you’re wondering what they are, I stand by my convictions... Team Potter.