Dear The Netherlands

Hello.  My name is Simon.  You probably won’t know who I am, but I know who you are because... well, you’re a country.  This letter is not actually to all of you, it’s just to your soccer team, but I’ve addressed the whole country because I figure there’s more chance of one of you knowing the coach and passing on my message.  I tried e-mailing soccerteam@thenetherlands.com, but for some reason that didn’t seem to work, so I’ve decided to use this blog instead.

I am writing to you because I have some advice for your Fifa World Cup semi-final against Uruguay on Tuesday night at Cape Town Stadium.  Although I am going to the game, I’m afraid I won’t get a chance to chat to you on the night, so I figured I’d write to you instead.  I wouldn’t want to get in the way whilst you’re under pressure making those final game preparations, such as getting changed into your gear, and finding a small child who is still awake and knows the stadium well enough to be able to chaperone you onto the field.

There has been a lot of debate about Uruguay’s Luis Suarez’s handball last Friday night that prevented Ghana from scoring the goal they needed to win.  Some say his actions were unfair, and others say that he did what he had to do, and he simply used the rules of the game to his advantage.  Having never been in this situation myself, I feel it would be unreasonable for me to pass judgement, but I will say that I think Suarez is the sort of guy that if it had been a small defenceless orphan flying towards him, he probably would have still punched it away from the goal.

His actions did get me incredibly worked up though, and the thought did cross my mind that if I was to see him on Tuesday night when I’m at the stadium, I would be incredibly tempted to simply kick him in the face.

And then it struck me.  Outside of soccer, such an action would be completely illegal and you’d probably be arrested.  You can’t run up to someone, push them over, and stamp on their thigh, but... if you do the same thing on a soccer field, so long as there is a ball nearby, the worst that could happen is you could get sent off and miss your next game.  Which let’s be honest, is not the worst punishment – when you’re playing a board game and you pick up a card that says ‘miss a turn’, it’s not ideal, but it’s not exactly the end of the world.

So here’s my plan.  Whilst I cannot kick a member of the Uruguayan soccer team in the face, a member of the Netherlands team certainly can, which is why I suggest spending today and tomorrow practising with one player down.  Everyone knows that Diego Forlan – aka The Dark Lord – is the real power behind Uruguay, so all you need to do is early on in the game, kick the ball near his face, and then ‘accidently’ kick it instead of the ball.

Don’t expect it to be too easy – you’ll have to get through his evil force field – and he might release a giant spider or something on impact – but if it means they lose their leading goal scorer, it’ll be worth the red card.  Also make sure you substitute quite a bad player onto the field to do the kicking so that you don’t lose anyone of importance.  In fact, you don’t really have to use a legitimate player at all - I don’t imagine it being very hard to find people who want to kick Diego in the face.

I know this is a big ask, but you won’t be doing it for me.  It’s justice.  You’ll be doing this for Ghana.  You’ll be doing this for Africa.  You’ll be doing this for Shakira.

Yours sincerely,
Simon Streep