Before I write anything else, I’d just like to say that I don’t think Angelina Jolie looks like a man – but, I did like the title, and I thought it would be a good title for an article about not finding Angelina Jolie particularly attractive.  I feel I have to start with this disclaimer, because well, you never know who’s reading these blogs and when you might actually end up meeting the celebrity via Skype on a UK chat show...

There is a saying that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’, and this must be true because you often see couples that make you question when last the better looking one had an eye test.  Even though the media seems to insist there is a world standard for beauty, the reality is that everyone is wired in different ways, and one person’s Winona Ryder could be another person’s bald Britney Spears.  (Incidentally, the general rule for female baldness is unless it’s out of your control, don’t do it.  If you’re itching to shave something, shave your neighbour’s dog, but whatever you do don’t resort in shaving your head.)

Even though everyone has different tastes, there probably is such a thing as ‘absolute beauty’, which is a similar concept to ‘absolute truth’, but it hasn’t caused as many debates or wars.  World War 3 is highly unlikely to be initiated by a dispute over whether Edward is more attractive than Jacob.  (He is.)  What I’m trying to say is that you do get exceptions – most men and women would agree that Zac Efron and Natalie Portman are universally good-looking, and people that don’t recognise this are probably people who are devoid of normal human attraction and put posters of vegetables up on their wall when they were in High School.

Angelina Jolie is one of those people who everyone seems to find attractive, and the reason this bugs me, is because I just don’t see it.  It’s like being told you’re about to listen to the best song in the world, and then someone plays you a tape of a two year-old attempting to sing ‘I’m A Little Teapot’ whilst sitting in a teapot which being brought to the boil.  It might be interesting to hear, but it is going to disturb you that everyone thinks that is the best song in the world - I don’t care if the child is managing to harmonize with the sound of the kettle boiling, it’s just wrong.

You’ll eventually start questioning your musicality – and that’s exactly what has happened to me.  The fact that everyone finds Jolie so attractive has made me question my sexuality and whether there is something wrong on my side.  I’m confident I’m straight, but I still think her lips look like a dried guava that has grown a face, so maybe that makes me a weird sort of straight – maybe I’ll end up marrying someone that I think looks like a princess, when in actual fact to everyone else she just looks like Prince.

I have a similar problem with Jennifer Lopez, but in order to avoid further complexes on my behalf, I have put not finding her attractive down to casual racism.

At the end of the day, who am I to cast judgement on someone who has won ‘most beautiful woman in the world’ numerous times?  I’ve only won ‘sexiest man alive’ once, and I'm fairly certain that was actually a dream because I remember it was awarded to me by a penguin.